How To Annoy People On An Airplane

1. Act like a movie star. 

2. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna. (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question.) 

3. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only). 

4. Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"   

5. Bring a microphone 

6. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom. 

7. Call the stewardess "nurse".  

8. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea. 

9. Disco dance in the aisle. 

10. Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face.

11. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone. 

12. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die. 

13. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it. 

14. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

 15. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. 

16. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world. 

17. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off. 

18. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!" 

19. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.

 20. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends. 

21. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni. 

22. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you. 

23. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. 

24. Pretend you're flying the plane.